MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD daughter came home from school one day and said the teacher had told them all about the raisins in the rivers.

 

After a few puzzled moments, I figured it our: She had learned about “currents”.

 

~ NORAH DAVIS

 

 

A CHILD at my four-year-old’s kindergarten asked her classmates one day for a “damp towel”.

 

Some of the kids thought she had said a naughty word, and the teacher then had to step in to explain. “If your mum asks you to bring her a damp towel, what does she mean?”

 

A little girl blurted out, “She means she wants that towel right now!”

 

~ MARTHA BAUCOM

 

 

When a house caught fire down the road, I took my two little boys to see firefighters in action. An 86-year-old widower was standing outside, watching flames shoot through his roof.

 

Nostalgically, he said, “Half of me is still inside that house.”

 

A lump formed in my throat. Then he continued, “My teeth, my glasses, my hearing aid…”

 

~ RUTH GOFFI

 

 

A YOUNG COUPLE hits a golf ball through the window of a nearby house. Rushing up, they see a handsome man in a turban.

 

“We’re so sorry!” the husband says. “We’ll pay for the damage.”

 

“Not at all,” replies the man. “I’m a genie, and I was trapped for 1000 years until your ball broke the bottle that was my prison. Allow me to grant whatever you wish.”

 

“Could you make us millionaires?” asks the wife.

 

“I’ve set up a standing order to put $100,000 into your account every month for life,” he says.

 

“How can we ever thank you?”

 

“Well…” replies the genie. “I’ve forgotten what it’s like to hold a woman. Could I just give your wife a single, perfect kiss?” The couple decide they can live with this.

 

After the passionate embrace, the genie asks the woman her age.

 

“Twenty-nine,” she answers.

 

“I see,” he says. “And you still believe in genies?”

 

~ ISSAC BROWN

 

 

SITTING IN the back of a taxi, a nun notices that the cab driver is staring at her. “I don’t want to offend you,” he says, “but my fantasy is to be kissed by a nun.”

 

“Well, all right,” says the nun. “But you have to be a practicing Catholic and single.”

 

The driver says he is, s the nun plants a lingering, passionate kiss on his lips. The man is momentarily ecstatic but then starts crying. “What’s the matter?” asks the nun.

 

“Forgive me, Sister, but I have sinned. I lied to you: I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

 

The nun says, “Oh, that’s okay. My name’s Kevin and I’m off to a fancy dress party.”

 

~ MARTIN KALDAMUKOV

 

 

OUR FAMILY was dining out. We had been waiting for quite some time for our meal to arrive, and my ten-year-old son was getting impatient. Finally, Justin threw up his arms in exasperation and declared, “I don’t get it. Why do they call them waiters? We’re the waiters!”

 

~ CINDY UNGER

 

 

WE HAD recently moved and I was putting plants in the front flower bed when a neighbor came over to introduce herself. As we chatted, she asked what I was doing. I answered her questions, but told her I was really just learning. “You know more than I do,” she admitted. “I was planting flowers on a very hot day when my husband came home for lunch. He saw sweat streaming down my face and suggested I plant after dinner when it would be cooler. ‘I’d love to, ’ I said. ‘But it says right here on the tag: Plant in full sun.’”

 

~ DONELDA GOWAN-MOODY

 

 

FOR MY LINGUISTIC COURSE, I decided to write a paper about changes to the Bantu languages of Africa. To make sense of about 600 Bantu languages, I used 60 color-coded maps. Each time my eight-year-old grandson, Anthony, came to visit, maps and coulored pencils covered my desk. After several visits, he declared, “Grandma, you’re so lucky. In our school, we have to read.”

 

~ HELVI VIRKAMAKI

 

 

Reader’s Digest – September 2005