“Lovely day! Isn’t it?!” Herbert said as he started to clean up the other dining table.
“Indeed! I love it! Sunshine’s my life!” I responded truthfully.
“Are you going out today?”
“Mm…” I’ve been trained to be very cautious with what comes out of my mouth by the in-laws, “Maybe not.”
“Don’t you get bored?!” Herbert looked suprised and confused.
“Nah ~ As much as I love sunshine, I enjoy reading quietly actually.”
Family and friends, particularly Panda, have been worried about me. Being away from home, they assumed, would be so boring and I’d be feeling very lonesome. But the truth is, I’ve been waiting for this moment!
Yes, the truth is I’ve been waiting around too long. I started to shy away from cameras because I could no longer recognise the person in the picture who’s supposed to be me. I used to be so fearless, so carefree and so beautiful (Haha ~). I want to do something for nobody else but myself, even just once.
Dad’s passing certainly came as a wake-up call which made me think about “life”, my own life. I find myself so full of anger. It’s overwhelming. You know, I don’t mind sharing the roof with the elderly, but why must make everybody’s life so difficult? I’m so full of anger, becasue it seems that no matter how hard I try, there’s no way out for us. I’m so full of anger because it seems we can never be a real family together. I’m so worn-out.
Gotta be patient. Transition takes time, a hell lot of ME TIME. Yesterday morning, I decided to give myself a chance and took two photographs. Not bad, comparing to the one taken with Wayne in London when we first flew in.
It’s happening, the transition.
看著窗外的燦爛陽光, 赫伯問: “有打算出去走走嗎?”
我沉吟了一會兒, 這是被婆家人的無理所訓練出來的謹慎: “嗯… 大概不會吧”
“? 你不會無聊嗎?” 赫伯眼睛睜得大大的 ~
其實包括熊貓在內, 不少親朋好友都很擔心, 覺得隻身在異鄉一定很無聊吧? 尤其並不是定居, 明顯缺乏 “家” 的感覺. 但事實是, 我等待這樣與自己獨處的機會很久了!
因為, 不知道從什麼時候開始, 我不再拍照, 總覺得不認識那個影中人了, 我很想找回那個盡情哭盡情笑的自己… 今年二月爸爸突然榮返天家 http://maomee.172baby.com/posts/158193.html, 終於讓我開始認真思考生命 —- 我的心裏其實有好多的憤怒! 我很憤怒, 因為無論我再怎麼努力, 似乎始終沒法享受正常的家庭生活, 為甚麼? 赫伯問, 難道婆婆不能自己住嗎? 我很坦白說, 這是文化上的一種被期望, 我不介意奉養長輩, 畢竟我也是這文化的一部分, 可是我不懂, 為甚麼要讓大家都難過?
昨天早晨從學校回到屋裡, 陽光正透過窗櫺閃耀著, 一種不真實的靜謐. 回過頭, 正好瞥見鏡中的自己, 想起剛抵達倫敦當天和韋恩見面的照片… 這樣純粹的獨處時光, 畢竟還是有好的轉變, 我已經很久沒勇氣自己拍自己了.