Had a dream. In that dream, I made a decision of making a trip back to Taiwan for Dad. Just to spend some time with Dad.

I actually woke up with the happy illusion that I was really going to visit Dad. Not until a few seconds later did I have the epiphany that Dad had left for more than two years.

It’s been more than twelve years. From time to time, I wake up without knowing where I really am. Not always related to the previous dream though. I just lie there for a split second thinking that I’m back in the old apartment at Chung-Yang Street, or the house at Tian-Siang 6th Street where Mum and Brother John still reside in. Until it dawns on me one more time that technically I’m not even Taiwanese any more.

The old apartment is where I buried my childhood and salad days while the house had witnessed my joy and sorrow as an adult.

My psychic friend pointed out, while giving me an aura reading, that I’m still grieving, and that I’m holding a lot of anger towards the marriage.

Truth. All truth. And they’re directly related.

But I thank God for giving me the opportunity to come here where I’m able to ponder over my life.

作了個夢。夢裡,我決定,無論如何要回去台灣一趟,看看爸爸,陪陪爸爸。

醒來後,有好幾秒的時間,真的以為自己要回去看爸爸了,開心。接著,才猛然憶起,爸爸已經走了兩年多了。

十二年來,每隔一陣子,這樣的時空錯亂就會發生。倒不一定都與之前的夢有關聯,常常是一睜眼,望著床邊的牆壁,以為自己回到了中央街的老公寓,或者是天祥六街。中央街的老公寓,儲存了我從六歲到十八歲的年少回憶;天祥六街,則是埋藏著我成年後的陽光風雨。

靈媒朋友說,我還沒有走出爸爸離去的哀痛,對於熊貓和我的婚姻,也懷著憤怒的情緒。

是事實,而且是相聯的事實。

慶幸的是, 上帝給我機會來到這裡,讓我能夠靜心沉澱自己,漸漸摸索出真我,而不是被扭曲、壓抑的假我。

當我們同在一起 Whenever we’re together