傷痕 Scars

Nowadays, whenever I have spare time, I either study for the exam or re-edit my blogs. I first started blogging on a Chinese website 7+ years ago.

After Beam and I moved to England two years ago, I found WordPress more user-friendly, and have been updating both at the same time. To make my world on WordPress more complete, I decided to copy the old entries published before our move onto here.

It’s quite a complex emotional process really. By re-reading the words, I get to replay the scenes in my head. There are a lot of very sweet moments particularly when Beam was involved which brings a reminiscent smile to my face. But, inevitably, there are moments  of sadness.

Such as one night in Singapore, when I was trying to talk with him, ever so calmly and empathetically. Instead of treating me the same way, he picked up a cleaver and started wielding it within inches of my face, telling me how he was capable of taking my life if he wanted to.

As usual, when I blogged it, I laughed it off. In fact, I did a lot of just that, because… I believe that when you love someone, you would always try your best finding a way to make the conflicts productive rather than destructive.

But the truth is, up to now, I can still recall that scene clearly (very unfortunately) — I didn’t panic and nor did I get frightened. It was the immense sorrow that I was feeling then, because of the anger and hatred in his eyes. What did I do? What did Beam do?

Then, the other day, this picture on Facebook caught my eyes.

And some think humans are superior. 人類敢自詡是萬物之靈?!

Afterwards, for quite a few nights, I’d had bad dreams. That was something Beam went through. She hadn’t even turned one yet at that time. As her mother, how could I allow this to happen before my very eyes? All the way, I know and I believe that the key to making a marriage last all boils down to kindness and respect (which comes naturally with true love), not ridiculous oppression. So why?

No. I will not let this kind of shit happen again. Never ever.

God, thank you for all I have. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to find myself again.

最近只要有空,除了準備考試,就是小白兔搬家 — 把過去七年的舊文章,從另一個雲之南搬家來這裡。

每次搬家,都會把整篇文章再順一遍,缺失的圖片儘量補上,因為前一陣子,雲之南的主機硬碟出了問題,導致整個網站的影音檔案都流失殆盡,令人扼腕。不過,發生這種事,誰也不樂意,所以,只能怪自己當初沒有歸存建檔。往好的方面看,不經一事不長一智,現在起就知道要整個備份了。

讀著這些文字,有時候竟覺得,自己當年其實也蠻能寫的,雖然很大白話、很鬼畫符,但是夠真誠。心裡是很慶幸自己紀錄了生命的點點滴滴,特別是祥祥的成長; 有些已經漸漸淡忘的記憶,透過當年的紀錄,又能重新回味那種很單純的歡愉和感動。不過,也有令我再陷入抑鬱心情的。

其實,現在還沒有編排到那一篇,只是因為要更正表妹娃娃指出的一項筆誤,在尋找的過程中,無意中讀到了。當天晚上,夢裡就重現了當年那個場景:熊貓拿著菜刀,作勢要砍我。。。醒來後,好一陣子才平撫了夢裡帶出來的又驚又怒情緒。

在文章裡,我依著一貫的無厘頭口吻,將這件事一筆帶過。我總認為,愛一個人,你就會很認真尋求問題的解決方式,讓生活更美好,所以,再怎麼難過,我總是試圖淡化這些負面的東西,努力聚焦在光明面。

實情是,我平心靜氣地關心他,卻被他嗆聲,然後拿起了菜刀 — 距離我的臉只有幾公分 — 揮舞著:你信不信我敢砍你!!我說砍就砍!!

當時的我,並沒有絲毫的恐懼,而是感到萬分傷痛,因為他的眼神,竟然有著那麼重的憤恨。千年才能修得共枕眠,我們之間究竟是有什麼樣的深仇大恨,能讓你用這樣的言行來對待我和祥祥?!

後來,在臉書上看到這一張照片,也勾起了另一個不堪的回憶,因為他也這麼做過,而祥當時還不滿一歲。那幾個夜晚,我也是噩夢連連。

人必自重而後人重之,我不會再讓相同的事發生了。

感謝 神,始終保守我的腳步。

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