Although there was some strange feeling inside of me, I didn’t think I would end up crying. It just didn’t feel like it.  We were cool. So cool. Anyway, I’ve done that in my dream the night Mum decided to go for an early departure due to the third anniversary of Dad’s passing, which, traditionally, marks the official ending of mourning.

But, when we embraced each other to say goodbye, some immense sadness suddenly gushed out in a raging torrent of tears. Mum was shaking too, I could feel… I didn’t wanna let go and simply wished I had the magic to turn this embrace into eternity. Because, deep down, I feared that I might not be able to do this ever again.

Thirty-seven months ago, it just happened. And right at this moment, I can still recall the warmth and softness so vividly. That was the farewell hug from Dad, the man of my life. The picture of Dad waving gently at us with a somewhat baffled smile on his face as we slowly drove away is forever etched in my mind. I never knew it would turn out to be our very last hug. It’s even more heartbreaking when Mum recounted how Dad, who was diagnosed of the early stage of Alzheimer’s, mumbled afterwards, “Where’s everybody gone? Why do they have to leave?”

I don’t know why I had to leave. I would give up everything that I ever thought meant anything to me if I could have one moment with Dad. But, the truth is, I not only left but ended up thousands of miles away.

Brother John, who’s been our “chauffeur” throughout the years, sighed during one trip to the airport, “I don’t know how you managed to take it. I know I can’t.”

Well, I never want to take it. I don’t even quite know why the hell I made myself…

But, I suppose that’s just how life works — Accept your responsibilities for what happened and learn something useful from the experience.

Thank you, Summerhill, Beam Beam and Mr Boey, for this opportunity of self-healing. I didn’t have the chance to be the most authentic version of myself until we moved to Leiston.

And most of all, thank you, God, for the life.

Whenever we're together ~ Together ~ Together ~

Whenever we’re together ~ Together ~ Together ~

隨著年歲增長,和娘家親人每一次的團聚,都似乎是更加地不容易了,更別提我還定居千里之外。約莫就是這原因,媽媽決定提前返台的那夜,我在夢裡大哭了一場。

送機當天,雖然心裡有著些許無以名狀的異樣感 — 總之就是有點空蕩蕩的、類似失了魂吧 — 其餘一切倒是平安順利,和媽媽照常咭哩呱啦個不停,開開心心地攻擊食物。還竊喜呢:這樣很好,咱們基督徒就是要盡力歡喜地活下去!

一直到媽媽入關前,不得不道別了,才一擁抱,淚水竟然就決堤似的爆發了。。。看不到臉,但能感受到,媽媽也在我肩頭上哭泣顫抖著。

一直很捨不得放手,因為,我多麼希望時空就凝結在此時此刻,永遠不再道別了。

卅七個月前,類似的心情和場景,也在台灣娘家上演。爸爸的擁抱,軟軟的,暖暖的,閉上眼,彷彿還能感受到。爸爸有些困惑地微笑著,站在屋外揮別,身影隨著車子的開動,緩緩拉遠了。這個珍貴畫面,被我當當心心地收藏在靈魂最深處,因為那是我最後一次見到爸爸。

返抵新加坡後,打電話報平安,媽媽說,大家都走了以後,當時已患有阿茲海默症初期的爸爸很不解問道:「怎麼都走了呢?為甚麼要離開呢?」

至今,我還不是很明白,自己究竟為甚麼離開 — 不但離開,還飄揚過海千里之外。

一回,送我和祥祥到機場的二哥,在車子出了巷子口,我們母女終於停止揮手道別後,搖頭苦笑道:「太佩服妳了。妳怎麼受得了?我知道我自己是受不了的。」二哥指的是這些年來不斷地聚與散。

坦白說,我一點也不想「受」;但最糟的是,我不知道自己到底是怎麼說服自己來「受」的。

不去想了。生命就是這麼一回事吧,擔負起應當的責任,從錯誤中學習。 神的意念高於我們的意念,我要努力學習 神給我的課題。

如果不是夏山、祥祥和熊貓,我就不會來到這裡,恐怕仍然縮在自己的無力感與哀傷中。謝謝你們!

更要謝謝 神,賜給了我生命!

Girls' Day Out!!

Girls’ Day Out!!