寫在爸爸榮返天家週年 Some thoughts on THE anniverary

Dear dear Blanche,

Thank you ever so much for this lovely afternoon *bow*~

Frankly, I was stunned to learn about the “judgment” on me. Because, Janet actually showed great empathy when I recounted my thoughts on marriage in Chinese culture and the problems I’ve been facing.

“It must be very tough…”  she responded. Then carried on telling me how one of her friends went through something similar.

Maybe, really, Panda touched her heart.

But, to be quite frank with you, I don’t understand why people selectively ignored the very fact that I’d wanted so badly for the marriage to work out and tried with all my might throughout the years which unfortunately to no avail as it takes two. When I asked our mutual friends if they’d accept the same abusive behaviour in their marriage, everyone gave me a firm “No way!” However, I’m expected to just swallow it. Human mind, intriguing eh?

Truthfully, I’ve never quite recovered from the past, particularly when my family was involved in his attacks, although I agreed to give it one more chance… twice. (No, no apologies yet.)

I didn’t realise how hurt I’d been until I saw my beloved dad lying in the morgue. It hit me hard — I’m someone’s beloved child, sister, and mother, too, so why should I take all the crap? I hate this notion of how once a girl’s married, the spouse and in-laws “own” her. It’s simply disgusting.

Good friends know about everything in my past, good and bad. But still, some concluded, “You’re just lonely / feeling lost.” People seem to have problem believing that one CAN actually enjoy solitude as much as good company. In this relationship, I’m most of the time alone, but never am I lonely. Not that I think it’s wrong to be with someone simply because of loneliness. We all have different priorities. It’s just not me and I don’t intend to pretend being something I’m not.

However “advanced” or modern this society claims to be, there’s still widespread discrimination against a homemaker cum stay-at-home mum, because our work scope is impossible to define  — People think we’re just sponging off our spouse.

If you ask me, I still believe in true love, of course (That’s why I’m very busy after lights out every night… with my 7 IHs, haha ~) I suppose the best I can do now is keep the faith (There must be a reason for me to stay on), be myself, and see where God takes me to. In other words, just try to make the most of it.

Being trusting and honest can be such a hindrance, even backfires, sometimes, because it makes you the easy target for unfair scrutiny… But hey, God’s got my back ^_^ God sees and God knows. And the truth is I’ve been fortunate beyond measure having met beautiful people like you along the way (Panda can be beautiful, too, if his change’s real). It’s worth it!

One of my all-time favourite actors Joyce DeWitt once said, “Should there be a ‘judgment day’, there were only two things I believed I would be held accountable for. One was how I had treated Mother Earth and my fellowmen, and the other was what I had done with the gifts I was given.”

It resonates.

Thank you so much for bearing with my blabbering. Hope I haven’t scared you off… Or have I? ^_^

Very happy Year of Horse!

Love,

Mrs Roger Federer-Tom Hiddleston-Optimus Prime-David Walliams-Mark Strong-Keanu Reeves-Chester Wong

18-02-2014

Year of Horse 2014 (Lunar Calendar)
Year of Horse 2014
(Lunar Calendar)

親愛的白蘭琪,收信平安:

謝謝你,我度過了一個很愉快的下午*鞠躬*~

坦白說,我十分訝異於珍娜所說的話。當我告訴她,關於華人文化中的婚姻觀以及自身遭遇的難題,她表現出極大的同理心,甚至回答:「一定很苦吧?」接著說了她朋友的類似經歷,安慰我。

也許吧,熊貓感動了她。

不過,老實說,我從來都不明白,為甚麼人們能夠選擇性地忽略事實:多年來,我真的真的很努力,用盡一切我所想得到的方法,試圖修補這段關係;不幸的是,我沒有成功。

我曾經問過共同的朋友,假若今天換成是她們的另一半有這樣的精神暴力行為呢?眾口一致,十分堅定:「當然不行!」那。。。為甚麼我就該隱忍?

雖然我同意了重新開始(兩次。。。沒有,沒有任何道歉),我並沒有完全從過往的創傷中復原,特別是關於娘家親人被牽連的部分。

事實是,一直到了在殯儀館見到爸爸的那一刻,我才曉得,這些年來,自己原來傷得有多重。這是很痛的醒悟:我也是某人心愛的女兒、姊妹、母親,為甚麼我該承受這樣的狗屎對待?在我們的文化中,女孩只要結了婚,就是附屬於配偶和婆家的了,被他們「擁有並掌控」。。。我深惡痛絕。

耐人尋味的是,再了解我的朋友,一樣有可能作出這個結論:「你只是太寂寞了/感到失落。」人們似乎不願意相信,其實有的人就是能夠享受獨處,無論他/她如何享受親友相伴。在這段關係中,我總是踽踽獨行著,但我從來沒有感到過寂寞或孤單。我無意批判那些因為怕寂寞而談感情的人,畢竟大家的優先順序不同;只是,那不是我。

很遺憾,無論這個社會再如何看似進步,全職媽媽依舊普遍受到歧視 — 因為我們的工作內容與貢獻無法具體量化,所以是好吃懶做的米蟲。

當然,我依舊確信真愛的存在(所以捏,我有著很忙碌的夜生活,七個面首哪!哈哈~)。眼下,我所能做的,就是保持信念(如果我怎麼都走不開,就表示還有 天父給的課題沒作好),繼續堅持真我,謙卑順服 天父的帶領。

我明白自己的不輕易疑人還有誠實兩個特點,有時反而讓自己受到傷害,因為容易被人拿著放大鏡無限上綱做得不完美的地方。但是捏,你猜怎麼著?我有 天父罩著 ^_* 人在做,天在看。而且,正因為堅持真我,我才超級有幸遇上這麼多像你一樣的天使(熊貓的轉變如果是真實的,他也可以是個天使)。值得!

我很欣賞的美國女演員 Joyce DeWitt 說過一段話:「假若真有『審判日』,我相信這審判的依據只會有兩個:一、我是否善待大自然和人類同胞?二、我是否善用了自己的天賦?」

心有戚戚焉。

再次謝謝你這麼忍受我的嘰哩咕嚕鬼畫符。但願我還沒有把你嚇跑吧。。。還是已經太遲了?^_^

祝福你有個開心的馬年!

Love,

Mrs Roger Federer-Tom Hiddleston-Optimus Prime-David Walliams-Mark Strong-Keanu Reeves-Chester Wong

18-02-2014

馬年奔騰!
馬年奔騰!

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